she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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