i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We're too hungover to prance.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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