Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
