We're like a lot better than the average bears
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
