i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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