New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
