got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
