I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
