why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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