Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
whose parrot is this?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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