You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
