Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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