Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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