Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
