sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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