i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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