My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
