your room smells of hookers.
And success
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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