it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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