Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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