theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
