I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
