No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
