You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
