TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
