Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
