She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
