Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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