If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The air was thick with penises
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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