my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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