A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
