He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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