If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
