I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
