matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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