the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
