I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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