i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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