i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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