Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
