apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am naked and annoyed.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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