Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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