Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
