Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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