My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
