The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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