fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
