The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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