my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
