The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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