Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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