i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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