My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
