Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
