I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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