I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
