why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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