i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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