My hand turned me down
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He has the fingertips of a God
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